|LAUGH with The RAMBLIN' ROWES||
A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque blonde walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings with the husband and walked off.
"Who was that?" the wife demanded.
"If you must know," he coolly replied, "that was my mistress."
"Your mistress? I want a divorce!"
"Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry and a vacation home in Mexico?"
They continued dining in silence. Finally, the woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?"
"That's his mistress," her husband replied.
"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is cuter."
--contributed by K. Star
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?"
Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife.
"Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
--contributed by Frichey (AKA "Lil' Old Lady")
On their way to a Justice of the Peace to get married, a couple had a fatal automobile accident. The two lovers were sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to finish the paperwork so they could enter. While waiting, they wondered if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, no one has ever asked before. Let me go find out." The couple sat for a few months, then began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven--what with the eternal aspect of it all. "If it doesn't work out? Could we then be divorced in Heaven, or would we have to be together throughout eternity?"
St Peter returned after another three months. "Yes! You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" replied the couple, "but what if it doesn't work out, would we be able to get divorced in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red faced, slammed his clipboard to the ground. "GEEEZ!" St. Peter exclaimed. "It took me six months to find a Priest up here, how long do you think it will take to find a Lawyer?"
--Contributed by Lindy
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened a newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister," replied the priest, "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
--Contributed by terri
Once a blonde went to get her hair cut, but she was wearing headphones.
The stylist said, "You gotta take off your headphones or I can't cut your hair!"
"No!" the blonde said, "I can't! I'll just DIE without them!"
So the stylist just sighed, and cut the ends of her hair until she fell asleep. The stylist said to herself, "I'll just take these off her to cut her hair. She won't notice." So the stylist did just that.
After about 3 minutes, the blonde fell out of the chair, dead.
"What could have possibly killed her?!" the stylist said. "Maybe it had something to do with the headphones." She took the blonde's headphones and put them on her own head, just to see what was playing. The headphones were repeating, "Breath in, Breath out."
--Contributed by tg
A man gets up one day and gets ready to go to town. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To get some viagra," he says, "because Ii feel something coming up tonight.". So she gets up to get ready for town, and he asks "What are you getting ready for?" She says, "To go to the doctor for a tetanus shot." "Why?" he asks. "Because if you are going to get that rusty old pipe out I'll need one."
--Contributed by Roy H.
One day God decided to visit earth. Strolling down the road, |
He encountered a very distraught woman.
"Why are you crying?" God asked.
"I'm blind," she said.
God touched her and she could see, and God was happy.
Further down the road, He met another woman crying. "Why are you crying?"God asked.
"I'm crippled," she said.
God touched her and she could walk, and God was happy.
Further down the road, God met yet another woman crying. "Why are you crying?" God asked.
"Oh, God," she said. "I'm a writer."
And God sat down and cried with her.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.
Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely," the doctor said.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.--Contributed by Robert
Vowels to Bosnia... Clinton sends emergency shipment
WHEN IT FLIES OVER THE BAY.
THEN IT'S A BAGEL!!!
Bill Gates wanted to look good
and impress everyone with his success. He decided to
measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like
this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few
decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed
of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets
a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would
be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really
want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
|One day Don tried NITRO. Click the dune buggy to see why it didn't work. (If you haven't been to Don's Pages yet, you've missed some killer pics of a high-jumpin' buggy in action.)|
One evening Mike is sitting in his living room. He hears a knock at the door, goes to the door but sees no one there. As soon as Mike sits down, he hears another knock, gets up, but again sees no one at the door. He picks up a slug from the porch and flings it across the road into the woods. A year and a half later, Mike's sitting in his living room watching TV when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but sees no one. He looks down and there's a slug looking up at him. The slug says, "What was that all about?" -- Contributed by tg
Zen Koan (ala if a tree falls in the woods...)
If a man is speaking in the woods
And no woman is there to hear him
Is he still wrong?
Contributed by Michael
One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guiness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed, one in each of their pints, and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"
-- Contributed by Randy
An American was visiting his cousin, an English Earl, who insisted on a night at the opera. Although unaccustomed to such cultural exposure, the American agreed to attend to show his equally good breeding. About an hour or so into the event, the American had the overwhelming urge to seek relief for his kidneys. He asked the Earl where the facility was. The Earl gave a hearty chortle and replied, "My good man, we are royalty of a sort, and as such we have the privelege of these balcony seats." Astonished, the American insisted he would wait rather than humiliate a fellow human being. Soon, however, nature prevailed and the American had no choice but to seek his relief. He reluctantly readied himself, then stood back from the balcony edge to avoid detection from the unfortunate commoners below. Midway through his embarrassing activity, he heard a voice from below..."Excuse me, your Lordship". With regret and humiliation he looked down, "Yes, what is it?" The voice from below replied, "Would you mind moving it about a bit?"
-- Contributed by Rick
THE SECRET OF WRITING REVEALED ...... (click here)
Henry, the town's gynecologist, decided to get out of the business. He jumped into his BMW and headed down to the local vo-tech in his neighborhood. Upon picking up the catalog for courses, he spotted one -- auto mechanic. Wow, he thought, I could do that. And look ... the money ... it's pretty good. So Henry enrolled and took the course. On the day of the final exam, he was surprised to find his score was 150 points out of a total of 100. He raised his hand. "Teacher, I have a question. Why did I receive 150 points." "Oh, you," the teacher exclaimed. "Well, this is the way it is. I gave you 50 points for taking the motor apart, and I gave you another 50 points for putting it back together again. I just had to give you an extra 50 points for doing it all through the exhaust pipe!"
--Contributed by Don
We had Frasier (you know, the famous TV shrink) to dinner the other night, and he agreed to help us out with our Web Page. This week only, Frasier will answer any questions you have. So think of one, and click to hear his answer.
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